I needed a place for all my thoughts, a place for all this pain and heartache to go to. I’ve always been told journaling helps and I’ve started so many and never finish.
I am hoping this time it’s different. I am hoping this time, everything will be okay. I am trying to convince my own self of that.
Right now, all I feel is heartache. I am missing a part of me, someone who is close yet so far. I’m trying to find the words to describe just what it is I feel.
Pain, sadness, anger, longing, regretful, shame, embarrassed. I’ve never really had to face the reality of my life, the reality of myself. I’ve never really had the courage to look at myself.
Broken. That is always how I described myself to him. Be careful I said, I’m broken and my life is crazier than you could ever imagine. I don’t think you know what you are getting yourself into. Subtle warning signs. And he had no fear. Me and you against the world he said. Only we didn’t realize it was our world we would be fighting against.
He swept me off my feet. He made me feel life, happiness, comfort, security…feelings I never knew I would ever have. He made me so happy and in there lies the problem, HE made me happy, not myself. Just as HE made me happy, in the moments he didn’t approve of things I did or he was upset or anything was amiss, HE made me sad or withdraw.
He is my person, the person, to me. I never envisioned a future with anyone in my life and then he came along. He took me on the most exhilarating adventure…life. I experienced it like I never had before. I never saw life in the way he showed me.
Toronto. The most perfect time. The moment I realized I was deeply in love that I had fallen and given my heart to someone.
What goes up, must come down. And it slowly, little by little, bit by bit, came crashing down. Fear. I was scared as shit to be in love, scared to feel what I felt. I was always used to heartache, used to disappointment, hence the reason I never invested all of myself to anything.
With him, I gave him myself, broken pieces and all, little by little and the same time trying to hold on tight to it.
It was an exhilarating feeling to be with him, I felt so alive. I always lived my life detached, distant to things, because this girl was so used to protecting her heart from everyone around her.
And little by little, I pushed him away because of fear. I didn’t communicate what I felt, I did but didn’t at the same time.
Looking back, I wish I would’ve just yelled at him when I could and be done with it. Instead, I shut down, a turtle retreating in itself for fear of danger.
He is my person. A person that I love. A person that I care profoundly about. A person that I may have lost. It’ll be just like the movies, maybe I move on, maybe I find someone to live life with but at the back of my mind and in my heart, he is my one.
Life is cruel that way, life is unfair.
And so…here I am. Writing. To find something, meaning, understanding in what happened, understanding in myself. Here I am, alone having to face this unfair cruel world on my own. And he is doing the same.
If only…that’s the only thing we can do right now…think of the if onlys and what ifs.
If it’s meant to be, it shall be.
And with the little faith and hope I have left in me, I wish life could be so kind this time as to help us find what we both are searching for.
The end, may only be the beginning…